Thursday, October 21, 2010

A Choice

We can't seem to get pregnant.

I know Charlie is a miracle. You may not know the whole story or how big of a miracle he actually is, but let me just tell you right now that he is a miracle. The more I read about pregnancy and "infertility" (I hate that word), the more I realize that EVERY SINGLE BABY who makes it to term and is born is a complete miracle.

It took us 4 very long years to get Charlie. Years of waiting, loss, waiting, loss, waiting, loss, waiting...and then loss again. Why, oh why did I think that this time would be different? Why did I think that somehow we had paid our dues with him and this time we'd get pregnant "on the first try"? I feel like I can't do all of this pain and disappointment again. Do we just give up? But what would we miss if we did? Is there a sweet little soul just waiting for the perfect timing to come into our lives and if we stop trying, he or she will never be?

So, here's that choice. I could choose to let myself live in that place of disappointment, pain and bitterness that visits me, oh, about once a month...

Or? I could realize how amazingly lucky we are to have a child of our own - and a totally perfect one at that. I had the incredible privilege of carrying a baby inside of me for 9 precious months. How I loved being pregnant with Charlie! A lot of women who long for pregnancy never even get to experience it one time, not once. I can only imagine how painful that must be. I know, because I was "almost" there by the time Charlie finally came into our lives.

The truth is, I AM lucky. Because no matter what happens from here, whether we are able to have 2 more babies, 1 more, or none at all, we have this adorably sweet, perfect-for-us, almost-five-year-old Charles Michael Fletcher.

Who showers me with affection, hugs, kisses, and tells me every day, "Mom, I love you more than anything in the whole wrild (world)."

Whose art projects are right now scattered across our kitchen table.

Who wakes up every single morning giggling outloud and running into our bedroom to snuggle with me.

Who would rather spend his soccer games searching for his parents in the crowd and waving then actually "kicking the ball" or "paying attention to the game". He's just happy to find the people who love him more than anything in the "wrild" and give them a wave.

If Charlie is "all" we ever get, he's more than enough. He leaves no room for disappointment.


Wilson Family said...

He is precious indeed! Praying for you friend!

Greg and Andrea said...

So true, so sweet, so heart-felt, and SO making me cry right now. I'm praying for you, too.

Elisha said...

Thank you for sharing your heart Mars. I think it interesting that I have only seen you once since Warner days and it just so happened to be when you were pregnant going in to see a doctor at Kaiser! You were a beautiful pregnant lady and yes...we are so very lucky to have carried babies in our bellies at all. I will be praying for you. God gives us big mothering hearts for a reason (we know not all gals have 'em)and we know He can fill our hearts and arms in many ways. Love on your precious boy and keep your heart open for whatever blessing God may bring your way :)

The Miller Family said...

Once again you have the perfect words...Love you so so so so much!

Rachel Clear said...

Man, Mars, I can so relate with this. I don't have any great words of wisdom, but I want to encourage you that (as you already said) if there is a baby that is meant to be yours, you will create it, carry it, and deliver it exactly when you are meant to.

I will be thinking of you so much and praying that you feel peace and calmness as you go on this journey. I know it's not an easy one. You'll get there.